Thanksgiving Reflection on a Life Once Lived

Nine months ago today, my husband made a decision that has forever changed the course of our lives.  In a split second, he walked out of the back door, through the yard and out the back gate before taking a path into the woods, where he took his own life.  I am approaching my first major holiday without him, and I honestly don’t know how I feel.  I think I am numb. 

Other survivors tell me that the first year is not as hard as the second, and I know that some of my friends are even further out than that and they are struggling.  I have nothing to compare it to since this is my first year.  All I can do is write about where I am right now.  I think maybe the first year is not as hard because we expect these dates to arise.  Our family and friends remember that we are without our loved ones for the first time, and they take extra measures to reach out and make sure that we have somewhere to go so that we are not alone. 

I’ve had no less than five invitations for Thanksgiving dinner this year.  I am grateful for each of them.  Although Abby and I will get on the road in a few hours to spend the holiday with our family at my brother’s house, the others who have reached out are in my thoughts.  I know that some of them have also suffered great loss this year, and I admire their ability to cook for a crowd.  I haven’t used my stove since May! 

A year ago, I was working at home, prepping ham and sides and pies in between Zoom meetings.  Grubby was here, tasting everything and making sure that I had it right.  At least, that’s what he would say.  Truthfully, he just did it to get under my skin.  He knew how mad I would get when I came out to the kitchen to see my perfectly baked ham with a large chunk missing where he had cut off pieces to taste.  He couldn’t cut from the bottom.  No, he had to cut right from the top where everyone could see it.  Man, how I wish he was here to get under my skin today…

For Christmas last year, my brother gave Grubby an electric knife.  He was so excited to be able to use it this year.  Sadly, it remains unused, and probably will for a while.  I guess he forgot about that knife and the excitement that came with it on February 24^th.  I guess he forgot how much I needed him to be here to annoy me because secretly, it made me laugh and gave me butterflies… or maybe it was indigestion. 

As we head into the holiday season in earnest now, take a moment to look around at your family, friends, work colleagues, and other acquaintances.  Give them a smile so they know how much you appreciate them, even if it is just the cashier who always seems to ring you up at the grocery store.  Men, tease your wives.  Get under their skin.  They won’t tell you this, but secretly they love it. 

Take a moment and be thankful for all that you have…  I miss my Grubby so much that it aches, but even still, I am grateful.  I am grateful that I had the time I had with him, two years as my best friend before becoming my partner ten years ago.  I am grateful that he brought Abby into my life, that the great cosmos saw that we needed each other more than either of us ever knew, and that he left me the very best part of himself.  Every time she smiles, I see his smile.  Every time she comes out with some unexpected, witty remark, I hear his voice.  And every time she hugs me, I feel his love. 

Make today count.  Yesterday is over, and tomorrow is borrowed time.  Take time to notice the “little things”, for someday, they will become the “big things”.  Happy Thanksgiving to each of you.