Ghosts Of The Past And The Lessons They Taught

I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, but I’ve often thought that everyone comes into our lives for a reason.  Even if they don’t become life-long friends, they have something that they’ve brought into our lives.  We don’t always know it at the time, and we may not ever figure out exactly what we gained from the relationship, but there is always a reason.

Years ago, I dated a man who became very controlling and eventually began to abuse me physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  I was young and didn’t understand the psychological control at the time, but I do now.  I had grown up in a pretty idyllic home, the kind you might see on a sit-com: both parents, a girl and a boy, and a dog.  At nineteen, I didn’t know what abuse looked like.  I didn’t understand the subtle ways abusers gain control over their victims.  I do now.  The fact that I had grown up in the environment I did made it easier to leave that relationship as soon as I could because I knew that what I was being told was love wasn’t love at all.  Now, I can recognize the early signs of abuse and I can walk away before investing too much of myself. 

Shortly after that, I met a man who I loved so deeply that I thought I would never find another.  I thought for years that he was the great love of my life.  After several years together, he broke the news to me that he had met someone else.  It crushed me… at least I thought it did at the time.  What I learned from that relationship was what romantic love felt like, and that I could survive heartbreak.  The season ended for us, and we went our separate ways. 

I dated off and on, until I met my ex-husband.  We were young, and I was feeling like I should be married, since my little brother was engaged.  I kept telling myself it was time, even though it ended up not being the right thing for either of us at the time.  However, I will always credit him with helping me get my shit together financially.  Although we divorced after just two years, we’ve remained in contact off and on over the years.  He even sent flowers and a donation in honor of Grubby when Grubby died last February.  The lessons he taught me about financial management have served me well in the two decades since, and every time I look at my near perfect credit score, I send a silent “Thank you” out into the wind.  I hope you hear it.  You did that.  You taught those lessons.

Years passed and friends came and went, relationships came and went, and yet, I remained basically single.  Many of the friends I had during these times aren’t around anymore, as we’ve gone on to new places, new friends, and new lives, but there are those who remain, who check in with me regularly, and I am forever grateful to those who have stayed.  Some of those relationships evolved into friendships, and I remain grateful for them as well. 

I once dated a narcissistic alcoholic.  He was batshit crazy and made me feel batshit crazy too.  This was probably one of the relationships that taught me the most.  I was already in recovery when we started dating, and when we did, it was dangerous to my own recovery.  Instead of walking away, I thought I could change him or fix him.  I know now how wrong that I was, but I learned an incredible lesson from that experience.  I learned that my sobriety was fragile, and that I had to stay active in recovery or I could very easily lose it.  Thank goodness for that lesson because, although I did not drink at all during or following that relationship, that was the only thing I did right while I was in it.  I needed this lesson as a reminder.

And then, I met the one… and everything made sense.  Everything led me to him.  There were lessons I could learn from him and lessons I could teach him, and although our season was way too short, it isn’t over, for true love never dies…