The Ghost of Valentine’s Past

What is Valentine’s Day to a widow?  Hey!  Happy-reminder-that-you-have-lost-the-love-of-your-life Day!  As couples all over the nation are exchanging chocolates, flowers, cards, and jewelry, I am left with memories of Valentine’s past. 

I miss my husband.  I miss his silly cards and jokes.  I miss his smile.  I just miss him.  I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad, so I try to comfort myself with memories of Valentine’s past.  Last year, he was on quarantine in our basement, but every night, we would have stair dates.  I would sit at the top of the stairs, and he at the bottom, and we would just talk.  We talked about everything and nothing.  We just wanted to see each other.  If I had only known that last year would be our last Valentine’s Day, I would have said, “Screw Covid”, and I would have gone down those stairs and handed him his card and chocolate personally instead of just leaving them on the top step.  If I had only known…

The past two years have been so hard on so many – families separated in the same house because of a silent but scary virus, people isolated from their peers from working at home, kids isolated from other kids because of virtual schooling.  I never knew how hard it was on my Valentine.  I never knew that he was fighting demons that resulted from his isolation.  I thought we had managed it pretty well, and when he came upstairs after receiving his negative test results three days after Valentine’s Day, we all breathed a collective sigh of relief.  It was over and we could go on with our lives.  Or so we thought…

Unfortunately, my husband remained isolated from his peers because of a lack of leadership and a lack of decision-making ability on the part of those who had authority to do so.  Unfortunately, I was not strong enough for the both of us, and he was not strong enough to fight those demons.  So today, I sit missing him, missing my chocolate covered strawberries and my card that he always signed simply, “Love, Grubby.”  He didn’t need flowery words to convey his love.  He conveyed it in a thousand little ways every day.  But for one day of the year, he went a little beyond and spoiled me a little bit, and I miss that too. 

I know Grubby would want me to be okay, so I will do my best if only for Abby’s sake.  This year, she will get the Valentine’s Day card and candy.  Some little part of me will know that he is looking down on us and smiling at how we are doing, because despite missing him, we are doing pretty well.  Abby is doing well in school and getting better on her clarinet every day.  We are managing to fulfill some of the dreams he and I had for our life together.    Most importantly, we continue to love – each other and him – and we continue to move forward. 

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you.  Tell someone you love them today.  Tomorrow isn’t promised to us, and life can change in an instant.  Happy Valentine’s Day to my beloved husband, my spirit in the sky, my energy in the great cosmos…  I miss you, love, but I will keep on keeping on because that’s what would please you the most.