A Mighty Sea, A Strong Wind, An Endless Sky, and The Power of Love

I’m on several grief groups on social media, some for suicide survivors and some for those who have lost their spouse. I often see posts from people, young and old, that say they are hopeless, that they have nothing worth living for now, that they will never smile or laugh again, and they just want to end it all to be with their spouse again. I’ve seen some people comment and say that those who don’t feel that way didn’t love their spouse as much. It’s made me wonder… are they right? 

I went through many of these same feelings and thoughts after losing my husband to suicide in February 2021. But, I also knew – deep down – that I would eventually be okay. I’d lived many years on my own before I met him, became best friends with him, became lovers and partners, eventually becoming husband and wife just five years ago, so that helped a lot. Grubby also had a 13 year old daughter who had already lost her mother who needed me to be strong and keep going. It hasn’t been easy, and believe me when I tell you that I think about suicide often… how could I not? It’s come into my house and made its presence known. However, I still have that now 15 year old girl looking at me and learning how to live. Many days still find me on the couch, curled up with my Pugs, but I have good days too, and I allow myself to have them.

My husband lived his life to the fullest… until he didn’t. He would have wanted us to continue to live our lives to the fullest. In my mind, the best way to honor him is to continue living. He is always with us. We talk about him every day. As long as we continue to speak his name, he continues to live… 

Just yesterday morning, we stopped at Horseshoe Bay in Bermuda where we were on our cruise and Abby carved “122”, his badge number, into the wall of sand. I had thought of doing just that, but before I could say a word, she’d started carving. Last night, as we were walking back to our stateroom, Abby bent down and picked up a shiny new penny. What are the odds? On a ship that uses a cashless pay system, Abby saw a penny on the carpet! When she flipped it to see the year, it was 2021. At the time, there was a band playing in the Centrum, two decks below us. They were playing “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. Journey was one of Grubby’s favorite bands. Clearly, he still sends us signs. 

So, maybe, to some I didn’t love him enough because I’ve chosen to continue living, trying to find some good in every day… even when it seems impossible. But, he knew. I remember asking Janet, Matt, and Sherrie if Grubby had had any idea how much I loved him. All of them told me that he never stopped talking about how lucky he was that I loved him, that he would often say he didn’t deserve me. He knew. He knew that he was the love of my life, and that were he still alive, my life would look much different. 

However, he isn’t, and I’m only 51, so I choose to continue living every single day. It is a choice. And it’s a choice that I have to consciously make every day. Today, I am grateful for the ability to make that choice. It isn’t always pretty, and some days, I feel like I’m going backwards, but I’m going. 

Today, as I watch the might of the ocean, churning under a clear blue sky, I am reminded that the power of love is the strongest cure for whatever ailments we may have. Whether our ailments be emotional, physical, or spiritual, love cures. Whether the love of a romantic partner, a parent, a sibling, a child, a pet, or a friend, love cures. For me, this love is the sun, the sea, and the wind – all forces far more powerful than me, and yet, I am here to revel in their power and beauty. I am always in awe as I watch the sea; in awe of the fact that I am a small, inconsequential being on a small round ball of gas, swirling through one galaxy among many in this vast universe, surrounded by the energies of all that is around and within me.