I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, and I’ve come to the conclusion that most people don’t know what to say and not say to a widow or widower. Unless you have lost a spouse, you can never really comprehend what happens to a person when their person is taken from them. The death of the person you chose to spend your life with – the person who accepted you on your best days and on your worst, the person who put up with your farting, snoring, burping, leaving the toothpaste in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up (or down), buying expensive bathroom décor, taking possession of the remote control and forcing you to watch the “Real Housewives” or old Westerns, and who loved you in spite of all of your shortcomings – is like no other loss that a person will ever go through. And, no, I am not in any way discounting the loss of a parent, a child, or another family member or friend. I know that these come with a different type of grief, but it is not the same. I have written some Dos and Don’ts to help guide people when someone has lost a spouse.
DO talk about my spouse! Tell me your memories. Tell me things I may not have known. You have no idea how important this is to me, as things can get pretty hazy in my brain.
On that note, DO understand that Widow Brain is real. The day-to-day activities we have done for so long, activities that most of us take for granted become huge obstacles that we have to overcome. We do things like pour the milk for our coffee into the sugar bowl or put the sunscreen in the refrigerator. We forget appointments and sometimes even to get dressed, and believe me when I tell you that we forget our train of thought in the middle of sentences all the time. It’s probably like living with a toddler, but imagine how it is for us. Some of us have to make lists to remind ourselves to eat, shower, brush teeth, and sleep, particularly in those early weeks.
DO laugh about the funny stories about my spouse, especially if my spouse was a jokester. I need that raucous laughter and it isn’t disrespectful for me to laugh. Believe me, I will cry enough tears to fill the oceans, so any laughter is good.
DO listen when I talk about my spouse, even when you’ve heard the story a million times. I need to talk about them. When I talk about them, it keeps them alive in my heart and I need that.
DO be the one to reach out and invite me for coffee or ask if you can come visit. I am probably not likely to do the reaching out. Many of us feel a huge amount of anxiety when we think of going out into “public” again, so we cocoon in our safe place.
DO drag me out to go for a walk. I need the sunshine and fresh air, but I may not have the energy to do it myself.
DON’T ask me what you can do for me or what I need because I probably don’t know. If you see something that you can do to help me, just do it.
DON’T tell me how the service should be, or that you disagree with my choices, even if you do. As a matter of fact, DON’T tell me that you agree with them either because honestly, I don’t care.
DON’T sit in the front row at the service. That is my spot. Although I would give anything not to be sitting there, it isn’t yours.
DON’T tell me that I need to move on, that I need to go back to work, that I need to keep busy… I know that you mean well, but I may not be able to do those things for a while.
DON’T judge me because I may need to take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, or because I need therapy, particularly when my loss is unexpected and sudden.
DON’T judge me if I can’t get out of my PJs or get off the couch some days. My life has been turned completely upside down and that may be my safe place.
DON’T tell me that you understand because you’re divorced. I was divorced too, not of my own choosing, and I can assure you that the pain of a spouse dying is nothing like what I went through back then. Usually, there are signs that the marriage is in trouble before the subject of divorce comes up. Even in those rare cases where it was a complete surprise, you can get angry with your ex and not feel guilty for it. You can scream and break shit and no one blames you for it. We want to scream and break shit, but we don’t want you to be uncomfortable, so usually, we do these things in private. I’ve had to pull over and scream in the car and hope that a cop didn’t come up to cart me off to the psych ward. I’ve had to scream inside my house, lest my neighbors dial 911 because they think I am being bludgeoned to death. I’ve had to leave a full cart of groceries in the middle of an aisle because I started crying over the crackers (my husband LOVED Ritz crackers, and I HATE them!).
DON’T tell me when I should pack up my spouse’s things, take off my wedding rings, or begin dating again. Yet again, we know you only mean well, but there is no timeline for any of this, and it is antiquated thinking that we are supposed to wear black and mourn for two years, five years, or the rest of our lives. As a friend of mine recently said, “You are not a Sicilian grandmother.” I know people who have lost spouses and been dating and/or engaged within six months, and I know people who are years out and still haven’t taken off their rings or removed their spouse’s stuff. Both of these are okay, and even people who want a no-strings attached “friend with benefits” are okay too. We do what we need to do, and we ask that you respect whatever that is. Sometimes, it’s nice to not have to wear the “widow” label, even for a little while.
In the case of a suicide, such as mine, DON’T assume that there were problems in the marriage. DON’T blame me, even privately. DON’T judge me or my spouse for their decision to end their life. As a suicide widow, I can assure you that the man who walked into those woods that day was but a shell of my husband. He wasn’t himself.
DO give me extra grace, especially if I am annoying you because you feel as though I am too controlling. Realize that in those initial days, I have zero control over anything in my life, so when I have something I can control, I will. Realize that I am being investigated by law enforcement, which is painful enough, and definitely lends a feeling of a lack of control. Realize that I am being looked at by others who know of my situation, and I need the extra kindness and grace.
DON’T tell me that my spouse was weak or that someone else who took their own life was weak. He was not a weak man, but at that moment, he saw no other way out. They all do. They just want the pain to stop.
DON’T tell me that my spouse is going to Hell or that they have committed the ultimate sin, and therefore, cannot receive God’s forgiveness, no matter your beliefs or mine. It is hurtful for us to even think about that.
DON’T whisper about me when I am in public. Just talk to me, but DON’T treat me any different than you would treat anyone else who has lost a spouse.
DON’T stigmatize me or my spouse. Those last moments do not define a person’s life, and I promise that suicide isn’t contagious.
I hope that these are helpful to those who are faced with being there for someone whose spouse has died. My “Widlings” (Widow Sisters and Widower Brothers) and I have shared our experiences with each other, and these are the most common themes we deal with on a regular basis. One overstepped boundary can send us back months in our healing process, even when it is well-meant. Our grief will never fully leave us, but we do learn how to accept it as part of our lives. What that looks like is different for each person, but there is no right or wrong way to grieve the death of your person. Some days, we feel like we are making strides forward, and other days we feel like we have gone backwards.
As we heal, we begin putting our lives back together, but it may not look the way it did before. We are like broken lamps. Our pieces don’t go back together seamlessly, the cracks will always be there, but the lamp will eventually shine again. Be gentle with us as you would with that lamp.
Thank you for this.s
You’re welcome. I know that it is hard to know what to say or do, and until 18 months ago, I wouldn’t have known either. I try to remember that all those who have disappeared are probably at a loss as to what to say and can’t handle not saying anything.
Well said Jeanne. Grubby was so much a part of our lives and yet I feel like I didn’t know how much he was going through. My heart misses him and I often think of little things he did to help Bud and I. We love you and Abby and Michael. Finding the words to say is tough sometimes. Thank you for helping all who read this to understand a little better.
Thank you, Teresa. None of us knew until it was too late. I have played that day over and over again in my head, countless hours at night second-guessing everything I did and said, and yet, I know that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. I knew he was in crisis, but I had no idea that he was at that point. I never would have guessed that he would do this, and I wish that I could have seen just five minutes into the future. If I had, perhaps the outcome would have been different, but maybe it wouldn’t have… maybe I would have prolonged the inevitable. I don’t know when he decided that taking his own life was the answer, but I do know that once Grubby made up his mind about something, there was no changing it. He was a lot like Sandy in that respect.
So touching. I am almost 20 months in this journey. I lost my love Mike to Cancer. Some days are ok. Others are really tough. We must continue to support one another and keep putting one foot in front of the other and find something positive in every single day. Thank you for putting many of our feelings into words.
Thank you for reading it, Kathy. I hope that by sharing some of my journey, with some levity sprinkled in, I can bring hope to others. I never would have thought that I would survive without the other half of my heart, and yet, somehow here I am.
Thank you for this. I am only a month out from losing my fiancé, the love of my life unexpectedly. I often want to say to people you have no idea what it’s like to lose your partner. It is a whole different level of grief. Unfortunately, my sister lost her spouse years ago, so she has been a tremendous support!! And I also feel like I don’t know what I need, even though people say let me know, I’ll be there. There are your true family and friends that come through, but others drift away after the first week, when you need support the most and the emptiness and loneliness set in!! I am so glad you have found someone just to hang out with and try to find a new “normal”. No one knows, unless they have been here!! I feel like I tried for my sister when she lost her spouse, but had no clue the severity of grief until now!! Go be you! You’re young and your husband would want you to be happy!!
Oh, Christy, I am so very sorry for your loss. I remember those early weeks like they were yesterday. Sometimes, yesterday is still like those early weeks. I’ve seen friendships change, even disappear, over the past 18 months, but I’ve also seen friendships strengthen and grow, The people I am the closest to now are the ones who didn’t ask what I needed, they just showed up and stayed. I don’t blame the ones who drifted away because as we all know, unless a person has been through this loss, they truly have no idea how to act, react, or what to say or do. I wouldn’t have known before either, but now I do.
Wow. To think people actually say these things. I mean, I know they do and it’s so horrifying. The platitudes and the judgement.. so uncalled for. I can’t even imagine having to find my way through, all while having these things said to me. Unfortunately there will always be ignorant and insensitive people. Your strength amazes me. I was in awe of our conversation right after it happened.. how you were able to talk about it all with me. I wish you all the comfort you need on the days your strength decides to take a day off.
Thank you, my sweet friend. I honestly think most people don’t really know what to say, but they are uncomfortable with saying nothing. I know that most people are genuinely well-meaning, but it’s one of those things that until a person goes through it, it can never be fully understood.
So very true.
Well said. Thank you.
Thank you for reading it.
So well written. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone in the things that I say and do.
Karen, you are definitely not alone. I never knew there were this many of us out here until I was out here. So many of us struggle with the same worries, doubts, and fears, and I only hope that I can help even one person. Thank you for letting me know that I’ve helped you.
❤️❤️❤️
You said all these things so perfectly. Thank you.
Thank you for reading it and supporting me.