Hello There “Old Friend”: A Reminder

Nine days… right on schedule.

Hello there, old friend. I see you came to visit again, just as you do every year.  In spite of all the changes in my life over the past 19 months and the crushing pain those changes have brought, I remain grateful today.

I’m grateful for…

my Higher Power, for without this energy about me, within me, and surrounding me, I would find it difficult to live life on life’s terms.

my family and my friends who support me and cheer me on, from near and far, and are there when I need them and when I don’t think I need them.

my health, especially my liver that hung in there just a little longer. Hopefully, I will never have to know what cirrhosis or liver failure feels like.

my daughter, who puts up with me on my worst days (and yes, despite continuing to work the 12 steps, I am still me), and celebrates my best attributes every day; a feisty, happy, strong young lady who I would have never wanted and who would never have stayed around if you were the one still in charge.

my home, because I might not have the newest house or the biggest house, but we have a home, with all its clutter, and tchotchkes from around the world, and dog hair, and memories.

my jeans because although they may sometimes be a little tighter than I like, they remind me that I have food to eat.

the fact that my niece and nephew, my daughter, and my late husband have never seen me drunk, and hopefully, never will.

my bed, where I awoke this morning safe and sound beside my body pillow after your visit.

I call you “old friend” because you were a friend for many years – you were me, and I was you, and somehow you were the part of me that I let lead for many years. I’ve known you my whole life, so if that doesn’t qualify as an “old friend”, I don’t know what does. I call you “old friend” because I have made peace with you. I do not fear you, nor am I angry with you. I carry you with me every day, and sometimes, like today, I get a little reminder of what my life was like when I took you out to play. I will never be completely rid of you, and I accept that as being the way it is, but I’ve learned there are some simple things I can do to prevent you from taking over and making my life a trainwreck. I call you “old friend” because we leave old friends in the past as we grow up and move on… Those that we keep with us along the way are simply “friends”. I call you “old friend” because I can count on you to come visit around this time every year to show me a glimpse of what that “other me” looked like.

Nine days… with the grace of my Higher Power, I will celebrate 18 years of sobriety in nine days, even if for one brief moment during my REM sleep last night, I took a little trip… I am able to wake up, look around, and say with gratitude and wonder, “It was only a dream.”