The Siren’s Song of a Single Parent’s Spring Break

I didn’t realize how long it has been since I have written, so I apologize to my readers for not posting sooner.  My allergies were killing me for a few weeks, but fortunately, they seem to have abated.  After that, I went on a cruise for a week, and it’s this that I am writing about today.

As I said, I went on a cruise for a week.  This time, I did not take Abby because she was in school.  Her Spring Break was the week before, so the dates just didn’t line up.  I asked a friend to come along, but they couldn’t, so it looked like I was going to be solo… until I mentioned it to John several months ago over lunch. 

John, Derrick, and I ended up getting a two-bedroom suite, so I didn’t have to pay a single supplement, and they could join me.  I wasn’t sure how it would be, if we would all get sick of each other, but we didn’t.  It ended up being a much-needed break from my home life, for both me and Abby. 

Some would say that I was wrong for leaving her, but honestly, I think it was needed.  I talked to other friends who are single parents and they all agreed that we need time away from our kids sometimes.  It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, just that we need a break.  It is yet another thing that my married friends don’t get.  There are a lot of those things, so this isn’t new to me.  My married friends, and even my parents, have had help raising their kids.  When they’ve needed a night out with the girls, they’ve been able to have one.  When they need “me” time, they can usually grab a few hours at least.  For me, my “me” time is only during the day, while Abby’s at school, and I am usually so tired from a lack of sleep that all I want to do is sleep.  This cruise, my Spring Break if you will, was exactly what I needed to let my proverbial hair down.  Those of you who know me personally know that I don’t have much hair, so there’s none to let down, but I got to play for a week. 

I was able to worry only about me.  I slept when I wanted to sleep, ate when I wanted to eat, and there was no curfew that I needed to be aware of.  John and Derrick were easy travel companions, and if anything, it solidified our friendships even more.  Plus, they snack like I do when they drive, so even the drive was enjoyable. 

As I watched the ship’s wake stretching out behind us, I thought about how relaxed I am when I am at sea.  I made plans to go to this game or that trivia, but if I didn’t make it, it was no big deal.  When I am at sea, I can take everything in stride and truly let go of the ties that so often bind us.  I even wore shorts to dinner in the Main Dining Room once!  THAT is a huge accomplishment for me!!!  The gentle rocking of the ship felt as natural under my feet as breathing does.  Even when it wasn’t so gentle, it was easy and comfortable for me.  I guess having grown up around boats all my life probably makes a difference. 

I smiled a lot, and I laughed even harder.  One day in the room, John said something that I found hilarious!  I don’t even remember what it was about, but the laughter that ensued was pure and deep.  It came from somewhere inside of me, not just on the surface – a mask over what I really feel.  That’s what I wear: masks.  I tell people I’m okay even when I’m not because no one wants to hear that I’m struggling.  I cover my tears by saying that my allergies are really bad or that my sinuses are bothering me.  I smile and I can laugh, but only on occasion is that happiness real.  I felt like a butterfly, bursting from my cocoon, as I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants! 

Of course, the tears I cried during a show one night (to Celine Dion of all music!) and out on the balcony looking at the stars were pure and deep too: tears for a life not lived, for promises not fulfilled, for the loss of my love.  I’m used to them now, and the truth is that I never know when they will come, but I’ve learned to let them out when I need to, that if I don’t allow them, they will come on later with a vengeance. 

I met some really nice people on the trip, and I saw people that reminded me of the person I once was – crazy, drunk, and out of control.  I’m sure glad that I can see that person in others because it reminds me that I don’t want to be that way again. 

I can’t believe that I don’t have another cruise for at least a year, but I know that I can’t keep running away for Christmas.  Eventually, I am going to have to face a Christmas season without Grubby, and since I don’t want to miss too much time with my family, it looks like 2023 will be the year that I try to face it head on.  I may still go out of town, but I won’t hear the siren song of the sea calling to me this time…