I’ve debated whether to write about this or not, but I feel that this is something that needs to be talked about openly. It may be difficult for some to read, but I challenge anyone who thinks that their life is too hard to remember what I am about to say.
We always hear things like, “Be kind. You never know what someone else is going through”, or “It could be worse”, or other statements that are supposed to be affirmative and remind us of the good in our lives. We share memes about these topics on social media, but when push comes to shove and we feel like our back is against the wall, do we actually heed those words?
I know that I didn’t always live by those words or heed the advice of those who tried to remind me of how good I had it when I was pissed off that I didn’t get my way or that something I wanted did not come to fruition. This is when my inner child starts to come out and demand attention. I try now, but it isn’t always easy, and honestly, there are people on this earth that I cannot stand! I’m not going to lie. I find it incredibly difficult to have any sort of empathy for those people. But, to most people, I at least try to be kind.
Recently, several things have been said to or about me that make me realize that some don’t always get the message, or maybe they are a lot like me in the sense that their inner child feels the need to be self-centered. Who knows?
I was told not long ago that I was privileged to be able to stay home and not work, and have a pool and fancy vacations. I explained to the person who said it that I would absolutely give up everything for the life I had in the beginning of 2021 if it meant that I no longer had sleepless nights, panic attacks in the cracker aisle at the grocery store, nightmares, horrific memories of things I’ve seen and experienced in life. I would gladly give it all up if it meant that my husband was still here, that I wasn’t left with just memories and an overwhelming need to escape during times we would have spent together: Christmas, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Still, the person attempted to compare her own anxiety to mine. It isn’t a contest; there are no winners here and believe me when I tell you that there is no comparison for the trepidation and anxiety left when a spouse dies so tragically and unexpectedly. I finally had to stop trying to engage this person at all because it was clear that she was of the mind that it was all about her.
I also had a situation recently where someone close to me said that I don’t get how hard her life is: having to manage the house and be a caregiver to her husband. I ended up blowing up and bursting into tears because the reality is that I got more than she thought I did. I manage my home, have a houseful of junk and clutter that I still need to sort through to make my home MY home and not OUR home, and yet, I would give it all up if it meant that I got to hear Grubby’s voice everyday or see his face every day. I would give up everything nice that I have, even if it meant that I had to wipe Grubby’s ass every day, just to have him back here, with me. I haven’t heard his voice in over 27 months, and I miss it more than most can fathom. The only way to know what this feels like is to go through it, and I am grateful for all the people I know who don’t get it because it means that they haven’t lost the love of their life yet. I would not wish this loss on anyone, not even those people that I cannot stand.
So, I need to remember these, and I challenge each of you to remember these as well: never take what you have for granted because it could all be stripped away in a moment. Don’t assume that just because someone has what looks like a perfect life to the public, they are not fighting battles of their own; some of us are just really good at putting on our “war face”. Not every scar is visible. Life isn’t a competition, and neither is loss. Be kind because we never know what others are going through. And, for Pete’s sake tell people that you love them! Make it uncomfortable for them! If I know nothing else about where Grubby’s mind was that day, I know that our last words to each other were messages of love, and that gives me some comfort on the darkest of days.
