The Realization That It Was Time to Take Another Step

Over the past two months, I had an epiphany. Before you ask, no none of my bushes were on fire or anything earth-shattering like that, but it was an epiphany, nonetheless. This latest discovery was yet another step on my journey of grief.

Most people who know me know that I cannot sleep more than a couple of hours each night. No matter how tired I am, I am wide awake as soon as my head hits the pillow. I lie there, in the dark, waiting for my mind to rest so that my body may get a little downtime. I hear every car that goes past the house, the baby goats from the neighbor’s house crying, the dogs snoring in the other room, and I talk to Grubby. I have begged him to help me sleep for 27 months, with only limited success. So, what changed in the last two months.

I went on a cruise with John and Derrick. We stayed in hotels the night before the cruise and the night after the cruise. I’ve been to Steve and Shana’s house numerous times. I sleep like a baby at their house. I can sleep like a baby on a ship, on a train, in a hotel, car, float pod, or Mom and Dad’s house. Perhaps that is part of why I like to go out of town so often. I know I am actually going to get some sleep. The realization that perhaps it wasn’t so much that I couldn’t sleep in my bedroom, as much as it was the realization that my bedroom was EXACTLY the way it was when Grubby died, except for his clothes and my bed linens.

I had the same furniture, the same layout of the furniture, Grubby’s CPAP stuff on “his” nightstand along with his ashes. It was as though I was waiting for him to come home, even though I knew he wasn’t coming home. I thought about how to change this and realized that I couldn’t simply rearrange the furniture. That wasn’t an option because of where the HVAC floor vents are positioned. I had to change the furniture. I had to get the old, heavy, Italian wood furniture out of the room and replace it with something that was more me. I had to make the space my own, instead of ours.

I started the arduous process of furniture shopping online, and finally settled on the pieces I wanted – all solid wood, simple, and black, with plain drawer hardware. I began ordering and pieces began to filter into the house. Some required final touches be assembled at home, so I ended up with a living room full of new bedroom furniture while I emptied out the old into Abby’s under-bed storage drawers and my bed. Throughout this entire process, I slept in the guest bedroom downstairs, and I slept like a rock, even while sharing the bed with two dogs who MUST be touching me at all times.

Finally, the time came for Abby and me to move the old furniture out and the new furniture in. With the help of a furniture blanket and felt furniture sliders, we were able to get everything into the garage, albeit with a string of words that would make most mothers blush and sweat dripping down our backs. Once yesterday’s furniture was in the garage, we set about bringing in today’s furniture and arranging it in accordance with the principle of not allowing my feet to face the door so that I would not be carried out that way by spirits as I slept (hopefully!).

I can now report that I have been sleeping in my “new” room for the past four nights, and I seem to be falling asleep faster. Grubby’s picture remains on my nightstand, and his ashes are still in the room for now, but this seems to be a step in the right direction. I still talk to Grubby every night and every morning, but I don’t feel the constant trepidation that I felt before. Now, if I could just do something about these damned night sweats…