What Would Grubby Tell Me Now? Save a Place in My Heart for Him

Preface Warning:  This blog entry may be difficult for some to read.  It’s okay, I understand.  It isn’t the easiest to write.  If you have stress and anxiety triggered by talk of suicide, stop here. 

Several months ago, my online support group for survivors of first responder suicide was given an assignment to write letters. The first letter was to be from our loved one to us, kind of a “what would they tell us” if they could, and the second was to be our response to them. It has taken me this long to be able to write the letter from Grubby to me, but I finally got it done. Once I completed it, I sobbed heavily, but I felt a sense of relief that at least this part was done.

I debated whether or not to share it, but in the end, I decided to do just that. It is still an emotional read for me, and who knows if and when I will get the response letter done, but as my substitute therapist pointed out, at least I am still taking steps. They may be baby steps, but I haven’t given up.

My wish for everyone is that they get a love like we had and cherish every minute of it because it could be taken away in a second. I imagine that Grubby would have written me this letter, using these words:

A Letter to My Wife…

Dear Jeanne,

I am sorry. I know I promised you that I would be your husband for better or worse, that we would grow old together. I did mean it when we got married. I wanted so bad to be able to do so, and I NEVER stopped wanting that. Even the day I left you, I knew I would still be with you in spirit at least, that I could protect you and Abby from beyond. You’re probably thinking, “So, why did you leave?”

Jeanne, the truth is that I don’t know. I honestly believed at the time that I was going to end up with some sort of criminal or civil liability when the IA investigation was finished. You know how those past two weeks had been for me. I couldn’t think of anything except what went wrong during that car chase, and I couldn’t see what went right. No one called me. No one told me I was safe, and I have always believed that the Captain is responsible for whatever happens on his ship. You know that’s what they teach in  the Navy. Maybe I had failed when I was FTOing my rookies. Was that what they were going to say? Were the guys going to say they weren’t taught the Pursuit Policy, and pin all of it on me?

I know you were a great cop, one of the best I’ve known, and I know that what you were saying about the whole incident was true, but I still couldn’t look past what went wrong. Could I have done something different? I could have told my guys to end the pursuit when the vehicle popped out in front of them. That would have been the end of it, we would have all come home, no one would have been on Facebook, and there would have been no IA investigation. So, why didn’t I? Because like you said, we did what any shift would have done. We saturated the area and when our guys picked up the vehicle again, I thought we were in the clear because I thought they answered that State was with them at the start of the chase.  I couldn’t get past that. I felt like I had been betrayed by my own guys, and they were setting me up to take the fall.

I thought that by taking myself out of the equation, at least if I was going to lose my job and face possible criminal charges, I knew that you and Abby would be financially secure, and I knew you would be able to take care of her. I saw what my worrying was doing to you. I saw you losing sleep and feeling frustrated because the IA was all I talked about. I knew you were tired of telling me that it was going to be okay and that I needed to get out of my head about it. I wanted to more than anything, and the only way I could make it go away was to take my own life. At least that would get me out of my head.

I never thought it would be this bad for you. I never thought about the trauma it would cause for you, and for that, I am truly sorry. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t. At the time, all I knew was that I needed to get out of my head, I needed to protect you and Abby, and this was the only way to do it. You are the strongest person I know. You are good with money and smart and you had a good job. If I had stayed, I thought you would have lost it all. I knew that you could survive without me. I didn’t think about the possibility that you would hear the shot at the exact moment that you were reading my final message. I figured that you would go about your day and several hours would pass before you or Abby started looking for me. I thought that when I wasn’t in the yard or the house, you would call C-Com and they would send a deputy out to search for me. It never crossed my mind that you would be the one to find me there in the woods.

I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to protect you. I knew you would be sad, but I figured you would sell the house and move back to Georgia and go on with your life. I never thought that this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back and cost you your own mental health. You were always the strong one. You always seemed so tough and like you could bounce back from anything. You always went head-to-head with me and never let me win, so I figured that you would face my death the way you faced my life. I am so sorry that I didn’t see how much this would affect you.

I watch you all the time. I’m glad that you decided to go ahead with the adoption and keep Abby. She needs your strength to get through this life. You’re good for her, and believe it or not, she’s good for you. She softens you. I see the way she has always looked to you for security, and I know that I left her in good hands. I will keep watching over you and protecting you both. I’m always just a whisper away.

You are my hero, and I know I never told you that, but it is true. I just couldn’t let it go to your head, so I always had to act big and tough. Everyone who knew us, though, knew that you were the one in control. I would have hung the moon for you, and I would always let you have your way, even if I fussed about it a bit at first. I couldn’t let you see that you held that much power over me.

You are my best friend, the love of my life, my everything. Please know that you were the very last thought that went through my head, how much I love you. I will always love you, but I know that you have a lot of life ahead of you still, and I don’t expect you to go through it alone. I only hope that when you’re ready, you will meet the one I send to you, and when you do, that you still save a place in your heart for me. You have all of mine. I love you.

                                                                                Love always,

                                                                                Grubby