I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve written, but it seems like time has just been flying since New Year’s! We are already through both January and February (!), and I can’t help but wonder where the time has gone.
We got to spend Christmas with the whole family – Steve, Shana, Connie, and the kids, and Mom and Dad. Although it was wonderful to be able to be all together, it was also hard this year seeing how frail Dad seemed. The reality that my superhero is approaching 80 faster than I would like took its toll on me. When I was a young tot, Dad took care of me, so, somewhere deep down inside, I always knew the day would come when I would likely have to help take care of him, but I also know I’ve been in denial about my parents aging. To me, they are still the same parents who flew halfway around the world to visit me in Europe, who have a houseful of my old friends and Dad’s old students running in and out of the house all summer, ready for long days on the lake. Seeing Dad over Christmas, he seemed so much more frail than I remember him being when I was there during the summer.
I worry about Mom and Dad being at the lake full-time. I worry that something will happen to one of them and they are so isolated that they won’t be able to get the help they need quickly. As Abby’s graduation from high school looms ever-closer, I am thinking more and more about what’s next for me. I’ve written before about knowing that it’s time to start planning what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, where I’m going to go, and what I want out of that life. What I do know is that I want it to be somewhere away from here, away from those woods…
While we were together over the holidays, Mom, Abby, and I drove home to Virginia for one night so that we could go see “Hamilton”. Unfortunately, seeing my house through Mom’s eyes instead of my own, I saw that I have been avoiding doing anything other than the most basic of household chores. I was embarrassed and ashamed because, even at my worst, I’ve at least not had unopened Amazon boxes stacked up in the living room. No matter how cluttered it was, I’d always had somewhere to sit at the dining room table. My laundry was always folded and put away, not stacked in baskets or laid over a chair. This was, sadly, what Mom saw when she walked in to my house. What she observed that I had not, was that I am still grieving deeply. I told her that I wasn’t sure that I was because over the past 6-8 months, I’ve begun to feel a lot more like myself, like I’m going to be okay. She pointed out that I may not be grieving the loss of Grubby so much as I am still grieving the loss of all of the hopes and dreams we had when we bought the house, just seven months before he died. That hit me really hard because I realized that she was right, that since I was still stuck in that place, I just didn’t care what the house looked like anymore. I realized that I want someone to just come and scoop up all of the junk that we’d amassed and take it all away. I want to simplify, not just my life, but my living area. I’ll never go full Marie Kondo minimalist, but it’s time to let go of all the junk.
After the holidays, I talked to some of my FirstHelp ladies and I was so grateful to learn that I am not alone in my tendency to have clutter around everywhere. I guess it’s true that we all wear masks, and we had all been wearing that mask of “I’m-fine-we’re-fine-everything’s-fine” for all of the people around us, and even for each other, but that night on our “Girls’ Night In” Zoom, we each saw each other without masks… well, except for me. I got to wear my red light anti-wrinkle mask for them. I had only had it for about 8 months, but I hadn’t ever tried it out. It brought some levity to the conversation, and although I hate the circumstances that brought us together, I am so glad we have each other.
Until next time, which I promise will be sooner rather than later, I hope you all have a super life!
Interesting observations. I love you!