Charting A New Course Without My True North

Preface Warning:  This blog entry may be difficult for some to read.  It’s okay, I understand.  It isn’t the easiest to write.  If you have stress and anxiety triggered by talk of suicide, stop here. 

It’s hard to believe that a year ago this morning was the last time I woke up beside my husband, my Grubby.  If I had only known then what I know now…  Would it have changed the course of that day?  Would it have changed the outcome?

I usually subscribe to the belief that everything happens for a reason, but not this time.  This time, it happened because sometimes shit just happens, and this was definitely shit. 

What started out as a pretty day, turned black at 12:40 in the afternoon.  It was at 12:40 that I received your text saying, “I love you so much”, and as I was reading it, I heard the “pop”, and I knew…  

I knew what I would find when I ran out the back door screaming.  I knew you were gone.  I hoped you weren’t – God, I hoped you weren’t – but I knew…

I called for help, and it was your shift that responded.  You were supposed to be with them.  You weren’t supposed to be home.  I know, deep down, that if you had been working instead of pacing around the house, you would have slept beside me last night.  I called for help, and one of your best friends came and grabbed me as soon as she got here and held me while we both cried.  She doesn’t know how much that meant to me, but it did.  I knew then that although you had left me, you had left me in good hands.

So much has changed this past year.  There is so much I want to tell you, even though I know you already know it all.  Abby and I are an unbreakable pair now.  I know you wanted that to be the case if anything had ever happened to you.  I am raising her to be strong, independent, and to find the joy in living outside of the internet and the phone (how ironic that I am posting this on the internet!).  She’s got blue hair (in honor of you), and she cusses like a Sailor (in honor of both of us.  She loves to tell people that she was raised by two Sailors!), so I apologize for that.  But she has a good heart; she is kind, loving, and gentle, and that’s the best I can hope for.

We went ahead with the pool and generator projects that you and I had planned when we bought this house in 2020.  I think you would be proud.  I even wrote your badge number in the concrete, so you are forever a part of this home and our projects.  I saw the cardinal in the tree yesterday afternoon.  I know you came to watch the polar plunge when the pool was officially finished and I’m sure you were laughing as I surfaced with a litany of indecipherable words.  I have no doubt you are telling the story to the other spirits, while repeating the punchline to yourself and laughing some more. 

I have learned how to use your vise and the zip zip (power drill).  I can use a hammer without hitting my thumb.  I donated that ugly chariot to the Boy Scouts, but everything else is pretty much the way it was when you left.  I’ve paid off the Jeep, and registered it in my name with a tag that honors you. 

Abby and I have traveled.  We have been all over the Southeast and even went to Dallas (more about that later) and the Caribbean.  I took her on a train.  Now that cruising has opened back up, we have two more booked this year!  We think of you everywhere we go, and we talk about what you would like about our places, what you would eat, what you would be doing…

As I said, we went to Dallas.  We are doing it again this coming year.  We finally met our Blue H.E.L.P. family in person, and attended an honor dinner in which the forgotten first responder deaths were honored.  As you know, many departments choose to ignore the reality of law enforcement suicide.  After your service, most of yours did.  We are the forgotten survivors because so many departments choose to ignore the way you all died rather than honor the way you lived.  Thank goodness for Blue H.E.L.P. because they are fighting to smash the stigma surrounding law enforcement suicides, and they have been a fantastic resource for us.  It is like being in an exclusive club, one that all of us would give anything to not be a part of, but we are so grateful that we have each other to lean on and to share in our common grief.  We cry together, but we laugh together too, and I love them all so much.  They have become a new tribe for me, as have your tribe.

If I could tell you anything right now, it would be that I love you – forever and always, I love you.  You are always at the forefront of everything I do, and I miss you more than you ever thought I would.  Yes, I am independent.  Yes, I know how to live on my own.  Yes, I am strong.  But this year, I have not felt strong.  I have felt lost and adrift without my true north by my side.  I have cried countless tears, ugly tears.  I have, at times, been unable to move, crippled by the sadness that you are not here.  I have suffered from anxiety and depression.  I still do, but I manage as well as I can. 

If I look at our life today from an outsider’s view, I do see a strong woman.  I see a woman who has been through the worst tragedy in life – the tragedy of a husband who chose to walk into those woods and take his own life – and who is still standing, at least occasionally.  I see a woman who has still managed to pay the bills, deal with insurance companies, and keep our home running as smoothly as possible.  I see a woman who has taken a child that is not hers, a child that has lost both of her biological parents. and held that child, tucked her in at night, woken her in the morning, and loved her without boundaries.  That little girl is you.  She is the very best of you!  She has your dimples and your impish sense of humor.  Every time I look at her, I see you.  I love seeing your signs.  Keep them coming.  I need you.

If I could tell you anything right now, I would tell you that I forgive you.  I forgive you for being human.  I’m sorry I didn’t see it.  I always looked at you as Superman…  You were my Superman, my hero, and I forgot that you were still a human; a human who hurt like every other human, a human who had fear like every other human being.  I forgive you for having a breaking point, and I forgive you for reaching it.  I only wish I had known that you had…

I imagine what you would tell me right now, and I know you would tell me that you love me more than anything, that you would never have hurt me willingly.  I imagine that you would tell me that you are proud of me and of how I am doing this new life.  I imagine that you would tell me that we’re doing good, and that everything is going to be alright.  

I will keep fighting for law enforcement everywhere.  I will keep fighting to bring awareness to law enforcement mental health and suicide, and I will keep saying your name.  I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember that even the smallest steps will get you where you’re going.

Grubby, I miss you…  I love you…  always and forever… 

“Cause I know                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Once in a while, we will find                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     The sound of your heart beats with mine

And someday                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 The crash of the waves will be far away                                                                                                                                                                                                                           And I will sail in your eyes                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Cause when it’s time                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          I’ll leave the ocean behind”

Source:

Stern, S., Krikes, G., Hudak, J. (2017). Different Worlds. Retrieved February 24, 2022, from https://www.google.com/search?q=different+worlds+lyrics&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS889US889&oq=different+&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j0i67j35i39l2j0i67j0i433i512j69i65j69i61.5052j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8