I realize that it has been a while since I have written, but I have been so busy with visitors that time has gotten away from me. Today would have been our fifth wedding anniversary. So far, it hasn’t been bad, but I have kept myself busy. I started off the day with a float, followed by lunch with John at our favorite lunch place in Greensboro. After that, I stopped and picked up stuff for the pool and headed home.
I listened to “Different Worlds” by Jess Hudak earlier and thought of all the time that Grubby and I spent in the ocean, and about how he’s left me to continue on out there, drifting until it is time to go ashore when I take my last breath. Don’t worry, I am not planning on that happening any time soon. I still have seas and foreign lands to explore, a daughter to raise, and a life to keep living, even when all I want to do is sit watching the stars, waiting for a sign from my love.
When we said our vows five years ago, it was “until death do us part”. I always that we would be together for the rest of our tomorrows. I never realized that I would be the one who would be left with a lifetime of tomorrows without Grubby by my side. I was his forever, though, and that brings me some solace. He never doubted how much I loved him. He knew. He always knew…
I feel cheated; cheated of the life I was promised. Then, I realize that we are not promised anything. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. None of us know how many days we have left. Was I cheated? Not if you believe as I do – that everything happens for a reason, even if we never know what that reason is. I believe in destiny. I believe that we are all out here on this great big ball of matter barreling through space and time. We have a start date – the date we are born, and we have an end date – the day we die. Those dates aren’t the ones that are important, however. It’s the dates in the middle of those two dates – the random Tuesdays, the first day of school, the first bike ride, the first kiss, the weekend away at camp. All of these are the important dates because these are the dates that we meet the people and live the experiences that shape who we are.
As I said in the beginning, I have been busy having visitors. For Memorial Day weekend, Steve, Shana, and Connor came up to visit with Sophie. We spent two fun-filled days around the pool, watching Sophie perform endless water tricks while the Pugs looked on from the safety of the yard. It reminded me of many summer days long ago in Georgia. It’s so nice to be close enough to them again that we can see them on the weekend. It’s nice for me because I miss them, and it’s nice for Abby because she has discovered a whole other family that she never knew she had. I was able to laugh, and laughter feels good. Many days, it seems to be too much effort, much like working out – you know it will feel good in the end, but the thought of actually doing it is exhausting!
This past weekend, one of our old Navy buddies came for a few days. I hadn’t seen Brian since the last time he came through for a visit eight or nine years ago. He said back then that he would be back when we had the pool, and clearly, he meant it! It was another weekend filled with laughter, and it felt good. It was fun catching up on old times, and just being around someone who understands the kinds of bonds we make in the military. We can go years without seeing each other but put a couple of old Shipmates together and it is as though we just saw each other the day before. That camaraderie is what I miss the most about the Navy – that huge extended family that would drop everything just to hang out in a small town somewhere in Virginia.
When I was active duty, I always kept my house open to other Sailors. Although I am no longer active duty, I like the fact that I have the ability to offer a bit of refuge and respite to friends and family as they travel around. When Grubby died, I told the Sheriff that my house will always be open to the deputies, regardless of the time of day. I knew they would eventually stop coming because I am a reminder of their own mortality, but I’ll always keep the house open to those who need shelter from the storm, even when the storm may not be visible to the naked eye. That’s the Sailor in me, the protector, the defender, and I don’t know how else to be.
Salute!
Love this, & love you!