I realize that it has been over a week since I have posted, but I needed to take some time and decompress following our trip to Dallas for the Blue H.E.L.P./First H.E.L.P. Honor Weekend. This was our second time attending, as we went last year.
The Honor Weekend is a chance for families who have lost a First Responder to suicide to come together in our collective grief and hopefully, connect and help each other as we go through our grief journeys. It is also a chance to remember and honor our loved ones – the ones so often brushed aside, not only by national organizations, but by their own departments.
The trip was smooth, and Abby and I got to our hotel at about three on Thursday afternoon, and were immediately greeted with hugs by Karen, a notorious non-hugger! We got all checked in to our room and I went down to the lobby, where I met up with our Zoom family – those who meet regularly on our grief group! It was so wonderful to be able to hug my fellow survivors who have shared our tears and laughter over the past year, and this weekend would prove to be no exception. After a laughter-filled dinner, we eventually went to our respective rooms to prepare for the next day.
On Friday, the kids went on a field trip to Gauntlet Fitness, where they got to do the American Ninja Warrior Obstacle Course Challenge. Abby informed me that she can’t do monkey bars or pull-ups, but she had a blast anyway.
The adults were separated into groups by relationship to our loved ones: spouses, parents, adult children, and siblings. We had short sessions with different therapists who specialize in treating trauma survivors to help us learn and develop coping skills for dealing with the many aspects of grief.
People often think that grief is a five stage, linear process, but we know better. There is nothing linear about it. Grief comes in waves; it’s unpredictable; one day, we may be sad, while the next, we may be in denial again. We may seem to be doing okay, beginning to heal, and then, wham! We have some sort of emotional outburst or suffer a panic attack. We may seem to be accepting our loss when all of a sudden, we find ourselves denying that it’s true, thinking it was all a bad dream and our loved on will walk through the door any minute now. Many books have been written, and polynomial graphs have been used to represent what the grief looks like – first, you start up high and drop down low as you go through the initial stages before finally beginning the uptick that happens when you’ve healed. It doesn’t work that way at all. If I were to draw out what my journey has been, it would look like a child’s scribble or a Jackson Pollock painting.
During lunch on Friday, I connected with a widow who was just three months out from her husband’s suicide when she told me how sweet Abby was to her daughter. Abby went right up to that child and introduced herself and began to play. It helped to put her at ease with being there and made me proud once again of the amazing young lady she is! The sucky part of that connection is that it means that suicide among First Responders is still happening, it is still very much a problem. The silver lining, however, is that we have all found each other. Where other survivors have benefits and tons of local, state, and federal agencies to help them through the loss of their loved ones, we have Blue H.E.L.P./First H.E.L.P.
Saturday night, the weekend culminated with the Honor Dinner, where our loved ones were honored for their lives of service. Pictures were on display, candles lit, speeches given, and we said their names. There was dinner and dancing afterward, and our loved ones were remembered for the lives they lived, not the way they died. Again, there were smiles and laughter, and even tears. I know I broke down when the band was playing “Cover Me Up” by Morgan Wallen. I’d never heard of this song before and I didn’t know the words, but it was the line, “But I made it through, ’cause somebody knew I was meant for someone” that was my undoing. Immediately, the love of my Zoom family filled me as they wrapped me in their arms and held me as I cried. These people, most of whom would never cross paths in real life, are so much a part of my journey and so loved, and this is the silver lining to the dark gray cloud that has hung over our lives for the past 19 months, reminding us that just beyond the clouds is the Sun shining down upon us.
The entire weekend was paid for by Blue H.E.L.P./First H.E.L.P. with the help donations honoring our loved ones and from some major corporate sponsors, such as AT&T First Net. Thank you again to Blue H.E.L.P./First H.E.L.P. for being there when it has felt as though no one else is. We are already thinking about next year.
#BlueHELP #FirstHELP #SayTheirNames #HonorThem #WeAreSurvivors
Thanks for sharing.