Today is Valentine’s Day, and I’ve seen a lot of posts on social media of couples saying how much they love each other, of flowers sent to work, chocolates, cards… I’ve seen a lot of posts on my grief groups about how these posts make people sad and resentful. My 2023 wall calendar’s expression for February is “Hearts, fucking hearts everywhere”, and it’s true. You can’t walk through a grocery store without seeing hearts and flowers in every shade of red and pink imaginable.
Not here. Not in our house. I’m not resentful for people sharing their love for each other publicly. First, I don’t expect the 900+ friends on my Facebook to not do so simply because I am a widow. As a matter of fact, I want people to share their love! Grubby and I always shared our love for each other publicly, whether it be in a post on Facebook or in the way we spoke about each other to the people around us.
The day he died, the dispatcher who took my call came up to see me when I was at the Sheriff’s Office, and she said that she had to tell me something. She had to tell me that whenever Grubby talked about me, his face lit up, and it was obvious how deeply he loved me, and she said he ALWAYS talked about me! So many other people have said the same thing since that day – that Abby and I were always first and foremost in his mind, and he was so proud of both of us – proud of our accomplishments, sure, but also proud that we chose him.
I asked him once what his favorite memory of us was. I was sure he would say something like Jeeping on Crete, or diving in the Caymans, or parasailing in Hawaii. He didn’t. As much of a thrill-seeker as he was, his favorite memory of us wasn’t the adventures we shared. It was a picture. It was a picture that my dad took of my mom on a dive boat in the Caymans (of course, there had to be some adventure!). Grubby and I were in the background, standing on the back of the boat. He was holding the railings on either side of him, and I was standing in front of him, leaning against him. I had my head turned slightly toward him and he had his angled down ever so slightly toward me. Looking at that picture, I finally understood “the lean”. They say, “a picture is worth a thousand words”, and the intimacy in that picture said everything about who we were.
He never knew it, but I always talked about him too. I had pictures of us on our wedding day in my office. I was always proud of him, and I loved to regale people with stories of his heroism. He was my hero, in more ways than one, and it brings me joy to know that I was his hero. It used to embarrass me when he would tell people that he was a kept man because I made more than he did, until I learned that he said it because he was so proud of me. He could get under my skin more than anyone ever had, and he always knew exactly which buttons to push to get a rise out of me. There is so much golf shit in this house that it’s going to take me forever to go through it all, but Janet told me that when she asked him why he was buying it, he told her it was to get me spun up! He did a lot of things to spin me up… I miss that though.
Here, in our house, we’re celebrating Pugentine’s Day all day, and this evening, when Abs gets home, we’ll celebrate Galentine’s Day. I got her a card and a little something fun, but that’s it. That’s the extent of our celebration. I am sure that at some point today I will dare to look in the place where I have a card he gave me one year. I am sure that I will read that card and think of all the little things he did all the time, but I won’t hear him tell me that he loves me. I’m sure that he will send me some sign today, and believe me, I will be looking for it.
I hope that everyone shares a little love today with someone: a parent, a child, a spouse, a sibling, a friend, or the cashier at the gas station. In 1957, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Maybe if everyone flooded the world with love, we could flood out the hate and divisiveness that we see so much of in the world.
Shout your love from the rooftops, speak it across the table, sing it in a song, but whatever you do, tell people you love them! You never know what tomorrow may bring.
I will whisper mine into the wind… I love you, my cosmic Valentine. I am forever your Valentine…
That writting was so Very Nice, Thanks for Sharing Jennie.
Shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone, hug your babies, love your animals! Thank you for this one and have a cookie on us!