Igloo Please! It’s Hotter Than the Seventh Circle of Hell

I’ve always been cold.  When the temperatures drop into the sixties, I’ve always bundled up in hoodies, wished for warm weather, and put my heated seat on high.  So, I have got to ask… what fresh Hell is this?  I would like to know whose brilliant idea it was to come up with the hot flash!  I mean, this is sheer torture, even for someone like me who loves the heat! 

Grubby and I used to fight over the thermostat because he liked to raise the temperature to 71° when he went to bed.  This always led to me drenched in sweat, hair sticking to my forehead, feeling like the room was hot enough to fry eggs!!!  I don’t care how many times you kick your feet out of the covers, there is no cooling off until this passes. 

Right after we moved into the new house, as we were sitting down to dinner one night, I had to go stand barefoot on the back deck in 35° weather because I was now being forced to endure this torture during my waking hours as well.  Fortunately, they remained few and far between and I had won the battle of the thermostat, so I though, “I’ve got this.  No problem.”  Apparently, life had other plans!

This winter, I’ve had to lower the temperature in the house even further because what used to be an occasional occurrence has become almost an every night occurrence, but until recently, it hasn’t been while I was awake.  Now it is, with the vengeance of the Furies!!!

It feels like I am in the seventh circle of Hell when one comes along!  Last night, I went to see “The Book of Mormon” with John, and I had my makeup on, along with some lashes.  My contouring was on point!  And then… in the middle of the show, here it came!  I was sure that I was sweating so much that my makeup was running, my lashes were melting off my face.  Ladies, y’all know what I am talking about… when you are so hot that your eyeballs are sweating!  I had to start fanning myself with my program, lest I melt into the floor right there like the Wicked Witch of the West, leaving only black and blue clothes and shoes and a pair of lashes! 

When we left, I was trying to explain what it felt like to John.  I mean, it feels like literally every part of your body is about to spontaneously combust.  I swear someone could hook up a generator to me and I could power a house!  I was relieved to see that when I got home, my makeup had not melted off my face, but my lashes?  Well, they were there, but one of them looked like it was only there because it didn’t want to leave its buddy! It must have been a Mormon lash!

I used to wonder why women around my age were so bitchy.  Now, I know!  We aren’t mean; we’re just hot!!!  And, not in a Tinder-swipe-right kind of way!!!  So, Ladies, next time you’re called a bitch, just tell them you’re a little spicy is all.  And, for the men in your life, trust me when I tell you that you need to let her have control of the thermostat.  If you need to sleep in a snowsuit, so be it!  If she is anything like me, an igloo sounds like a viable option right now. Or maybe a Polar Plunge!

And yes, I do still drive with my heated seat on!