As I posted the other day, I’ve decided to write about my list of things that everyone should go through in their lives. I started out the other day with one of them, and today, I am going to say that everyone should fall in love – real love, all-consuming, Jerry Maguire “You complete me” love.
So many of us have been jaded by the pain of past rejections or from growing up in a dysfunctional environment. So many people walking around today don’t believe that they will ever find that kind of love in their lives because they think that it only exists in movies and books, but the reality is that someone HAS felt that before because they wrote about it. As a writer myself, I know that I can only write about what I know, what I have experienced, or what I can imagine in the depths of my mind.
I was not one of those people who was jaded by the thought of love because I had grown up watching my parents and seeing the love that they shared for each other. I knew that someday, I would want that too, and I knew that it was certainly possible. Now, I just had to find it…
One thing I’ve learned along the way is that love never comes calling when you’re looking for it. It waits until you are ready for it, even if you are in a different time zone. Hundreds of magazine articles and books have been written about how to find and keep one great love. In the mid-90s, there was a book called “The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right”, as though women like me were just out hunting for an unsuspecting victim to become our husband, whether we loved them or not. That wasn’t enough for me. I wanted a best friend, a lover, my one “great” love, so “The Rules” didn’t apply to me. If he was my great love, rules didn’t matter. I always thought that we got one great love. I figured that once you met your “one”, that was it. You would stay together forever and there would never be anyone else.
I was in my early 20s when I met the man I was sure was the great love of my life, Mark. I felt an immediate and intense connection the moment our eyes met in the hallway of the dental clinic on the base. We went on our first date the next night, and we were together for nearly three years, living together for two of those. I fell deeply in love with him, and I considered him to be the great love of my life. When we were together, I found myself excited at the end of the day because I knew I was going to see him, and when he was at sea, I ached for him to return. We were the best of friends. It took him over 18 months to tell me that he loved me, and I still remember the exact moment that he said it. “Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms was playing in the club we were in, and as we were going to dance, he just blurted it out. I knew that it was real. When he got out of the Navy, Mark moved home to Pittsburgh. We continued our relationship for another nine months, doing the long distance thing the whole time, visiting each other whenever we got the chance. I never dreamed that our relationship would end. One day, Mark emailed me, and on page two of the email, my world came crashing down. He said that he had met someone, and although he hadn’t known her long, he knew that he could never love me the way I loved him.
I was shattered, completely crushed. It took me years before I could talk about him without crying. For years, I wondered if he ever thought of me, even though they had gotten married and built a family together. Once, I saw a picture of them on a mutual friend’s site and she was a dead ringer for me… if I had been a tree-hugger.
Of course, I dated other people, and eventually got married to my first husband. I think we both knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but we were both looking for some security in our lives. The marriage ended less than two years after it began. Although I was angry and hurt at the time, I have long-since forgiven him and while we rarely communicate, when we do, it is as though we are old friends.
I continued on my life’s journey, eventually finding myself buying a house and settling down, sans husband. I met some great people along the way, and some not so great people. I’ve kissed a few frogs, but I’ve also kissed a few princes. I was happy, content in the life I had built there in Southeast Georgia. Love, however, had other plans…
I was sent to Crete unexpectedly for my last year in the Navy, and it was there that I met Grubby. We bonded over cigarettes, coffee, diving, and Jeeping, and became the best of friends. I met his wife when she came to visit, and I got along well with her. When I moved back to Georgia, Grubby and I stayed in touch with each other through social media. His wife divorced him when he returned to the States, but we talked every day. Then, one day on a dive trip, everything changed and Grubby and I began a romantic relationship. There was no way I could have predicted that. He was not my type at all! Where I had felt an immediate and intense attraction to Mark, I saw Grubby as just my best friend, and yet, when he kissed me that first time, I knew I had found my person. This was my home, and I got the second great love of my life. He was the first one to say, “I love you.”
I never had any expectations of a marriage with Grubby. I took a leap of faith and moved to Virginia because I knew I didn’t want to be apart from him, but I never placed any sort of demands on him at all. I had broken all of “The Rules”, but somehow, I managed to capture his heart. One day, out of the blue, he proposed, and we married a year and a half later. There was no mystery beforehand. He saw me the morning of our wedding because we woke up beside each other. He had seen my dress when I got it. Still, it was perfect. This was my “one”, the final great love of my life. I could finally say I had found my perfect person. We spent a total of 12 years together, first as best friends, then as romantic partners, and finally as husband and wife before he died. That 12 years would never be enough, but you know what?
I’ve been fortunate to have had two great loves. The love I had with Mark was the love that taught me what real love felt like, so I could recognize it if it ever came along again. I still have hope that someday, maybe love will come knocking again (with a little help from Grubby, of course). If it doesn’t, that’s fine. I know how to be content in my life, and I will be. Maybe I will never quite shine like I did when he was alive, but I am still here, still learning to smile and laugh again, and to be happy on my own again. I miss him every single day. I talk to him all the time, but I know that if there is to be another love in my life, it will have to be someone amazing. Nothing short of “amazing” will do.
Everyone deserves to have amazing. Fear and jadedness are usually what keep us from the amazing, but if we open up just a little bit, the amazing will overtake the fear and we can learn to soar on the greatness of love… and we don’t need a set of rules to do it!
Thanks for sharing.