Is It Hot In Here or Is It Just Me?

Originally written April 27, 2024

One of my subscribers asked me if I could write about “The Change”, so I thought, “Why not?” Most of you are women anyway and those of you who are guys might get a kick out of it too, or at least learn why the women in your life seem completely nuts sometimes.

For the entirety of our lives, we have had to put up with all kinds of bullshit that men don’t have to live with. We’ve had to deal with a monthly cycle that may or may not be regular, and will probably involve cramping, bloating, acne, and bitchiness at some point. We are forced to live with this for an average of 40 years. For those of us who wish to prevent pregnancy, we have to find whichever magical form of birth control might work with the least amount of discomfort or change. Our jeans might not fit, we might be craving chocolate, and whatever you do, don’t touch our boobs! And, these were just the side effects of NOT being pregnant! Some of us were even blessed with husbands that would not, under any circumstances, be caught dead buying any sort of feminine hygiene products!

For those who choose to get pregnant, well… I can’t speak to that first-hand, but I know that their clothes won’t fit anymore, and eventually, no matter how trendy they are, they end up having to wear clothes that have a lot of extra material and elastic! Their partners lose the tigress who wears lacy thongs and stilettos, and find she has been replaced by someone who wears Granny panties and Crocs… if the Crocs will fit! This is all in addition to the other common side effects of not being able to keep food down, craving weird things like bananas dipped in Tabasco at 3 AM, getting kicked just as she is getting ready to fall asleep, having to pee every 10 minutes, and being uncomfortable in any one position for more than about five minutes.

Somewhere around the age of 50, we start “The Change”. Maybe I got lucky, since I went through the majority of mine following Grubby’s death. I don’t know if my mood swings, forgetfulness, and general irritability were a result of the menopause or the Widow Brain, but I blamed the Widow Brain. The only things I couldn’t blame on the Widow Brain were the hot flashes and the random hairs that began popping up on my neck, the back of my hands, and even the outer rim of my ear!!! What kind of fuckery is that?!

Even before Grubby died, the hot flashes started. What fresh Hell is this? We used to fight over the thermostat in the house because he did not get the fact that even a one degree adjustment was enough to send me over the top. Okay, okay, if I’m really honest, he used to turn the thermostat up one degree just to get under my skin – in more ways than one! I swear it felt like I was about to spontaneously combust, and if he had really been able to get under my skin, he would have known that my body made the desert in Iraq feel like the polar ice cap. It was hotter than the seventh circle of Hell! I consider myself fortunate because I rarely had them during the day, so most of the time, my makeup stayed on and my clothes didn’t stick to me. At night, though, it was a whole other ball game! It was nothing for me to wake up dripping wet, with the sheets soaked from my overactive body temperature. Even now, I keep the temperature in the house in the Arctic regions at night or I am bound to wake up feeling like I am being boiled alive.

As for the general irritability, I don’t know whether to attribute it to the fact that I have been grieving or that I have a teenager or if it’s hormonal. I honestly think it’s the teenager’s fault! According to the medical field, I am what is considered post-menopausal, so now, much to my chagrin, any food I so much as think about is likely to add on the pounds whether I eat it or not. The positive side of all of this is that I can rock my spiky blue hair and skinny jeans and sit on my porch telling anyone who doesn’t like it to fuck right off! I never gave much thought to the fact that someday, I really would be the crazy cat lady with two dogs, but here I am, killing it!

Goodnight, BC, wherever you are!