Originally written on July 4, 2024
As yet another 4th of July holiday comes to a close, I can’t help but think about what this holiday is all about – freedom and independence. As Americans, we are born into a culture of freedom: freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom to express ourselves, freedom to travel between states with nothing more than a Driver’s License. All of these are guaranteed to us, granted by the founders of our nation almost 250 years ago. And, still, there are other freedoms not granted to us, but which come as the result of great personal tragedy…
When Grubby died, I found myself having a devil may care attitude about anything outside of Abby and me and our little bubble. I honestly did not care what I said or did, or who it might have offended. I mean, what were they going to do to punish me? I had already been through the worst thing a person could go through when I lost Grubby unexpectedly, and became a widow at age 50. So, I realized that there was something liberating about that type of loss. All of a sudden, everything that I would have worried or cared about before suddenly became so unimportant. I just did not care.
To be honest, I probably should not have been allowed to drive for at least six months because I didn’t even care whether or not I lived or died, and that was obvious by some of the risks I took when driving: speeding excessively, passing on hills and blind curves, and weaving in and out of traffic. I think I even ran a red light or two. I was driving in the US like I drove in Italy, and if you’ve ever seen traffic in Italy, you know that while there is a method to their madness, it does not translate on American roads. And then, there was my reaction to other drivers… it was not unusual for me to scream at them and even throw a hand signal at them to emphasize the point. That’s also a symptom of having driven in Naples for so long. The difference was that no one would shoot you for doing that over there. Here, they might. But, remember… I didn’t care about living anymore.
Then, there was my mouth. I went through a spell of saying whatever popped into my head, regardless of who was around or who it might upset. I was free to say pretty much anything because I just did not care. There was a girl who was around the entire weekend after Grubby died that later told someone that I was mean to her, and my first thought was, “I should have punched her when I had the chance!” I was angry – angry at Grubby for leaving me, angry at the Sheriff’s Office for being the reason he left, angry at the family member from his side who called me and told me she was good with my decisions about his service… as if I gave a shit, and I was angry with anyone who dared tell me how I should grieve. It took almost no provocation to get me started on cussing about someone or something that was pissing me off.
Today, my devil may care attitude remains intact, but in a healthier way now. I am still liberated enough to say what’s on my mind, but I can usually temper it so I’m not too hateful. I still drive faster than I probably should, but I wait for the passing zone to pass now. I do care about whether or not I live now, so I’m less apt to throw a hand signal at another driver.
Today, my devil may care attitude is visible in the spiky blue pixie cut that has become my signature, my personal trademark. It’s visible in the clothes I wear, clothes that I feel good in and to hell with anyone else’s opinion of them. It’s visible in everything I do, without me having to tempt fate.
Today, I have the freedom to travel frequently, and some would probably say I travel too much. I have the freedom to begin dreaming about a new life somewhere else once Abby graduates and leaves the nest. I have the freedom to come look after my dad when my mom is planning to be out of town for a few days. I’m independent enough to know that I can make it on my own again, and I’m not scared of the future anymore. True, it isn’t the future I had thought it would be, but now, I can make it any future I want. That is true liberty, being liberated from the expectations of others and of myself.
