Freedom… When we think of freedom, most people think of things like freedom of speech, the freedom to travel between states, the freedom of religion. In other words, people think of freedom as something granted by a governing body. For those of us who have lost a spouse, freedom takes on a whole different meaning.
There is something very liberating about losing the love of your life. I don’t mean that in the sense that you can date again, or that your life with your spouse was a prison. I mean that in the sense that you suddenly stop giving a hoot what anyone thinks about you, your life, or your decisions. I have been through the worst thing someone could go through, and I have survived it. I survive it every day. Suddenly, all those things that were once so important no longer matter much at all.
I used to wear makeup every day. Now, I rarely wear it. I just can’t be bothered. I used to style my hair every day. Now, I have a buzz cut that takes minutes to dry. I used to color my hair and cover up the grays. Now they are ever-present, and I accept it.
At one time, I cared about what people thought of me. Now, I don’t. You either want to be a part of my life or you don’t. Those that do are rewarded with a friend who is loyal and kind, who has a passion for helping others, and who will make them laugh. Those that don’t aren’t.
I once cared about what other people expected from me. Now, I could care less. I live my life for me and for Abby, and don’t really give a shit about what anyone expects. Honestly, they should just expect the unexpected because you just never know what I may do or say.
There was a time that I would bite my tongue to keep from offending the wrong person (although my mother would disagree because my use of the F-word has always been a point of contention for her!). Today, it is unimportant. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. If someone is offended by something I said or did, that isn’t my problem – it’s theirs.
My circle may be smaller now, but my circle is genuine. It is real. The people in it are here because they love me for who I am, not the mask I wear or who they think I should be. The people here are here not because of what I can give them, but because of what I can’t.
It’s true that I haven’t been very good about my diet and exercise since Grubby died. It’s true that I am heavier than I want to be. It’s also true that I honestly don’t care what someone thinks when they see me rocking the muffin top because the one weight I no longer carry is the heaviest weight of all – the weight of others’ expectations and opinions. I’ve stopped wearing masks. I am who I am, without apology. This is what true freedom is. This is the freedom that comes with losing the love of your life unexpectedly. What used to be important isn’t anymore, and a new life becomes important… a life without constraints of societal norms.
I love this!!
Love you, my friend!