When I was in elementary school, there was a song that went something like, “Make new friends, but keep the old; One is silver, and the other is gold.” I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships, and how our circles evolve and change throughout our lives. Some of the changes are easy to understand, while others are less so.
I lived in the same part of town, split between two neighborhoods while I was growing up. I had friends in both neighborhoods, and we saw each other frequently because our parents were, in many cases, friends with their parents. Many of my friends in the days before we could drive lived within a few short blocks, and we walked back and forth to each other’s houses all the time. We went to the same schools, some to the same churches, and participated in many of the same activities. As we grew older and began to drive, we began to go farther afield and make friends from other schools and other parts of town. Those high school friends were with me every weekend. Even when I started working, they came to my job to have late-night coffee and pie and just hang out. We talked on the phone all the time (there was no texting or email, and the rarely seen cell phone was the size of a large tote bag. Only the wealthy had them.). We met and hung out at the mall (yes, those were a huge place in the 80s – food, shopping, arcades, movie theaters, skating rinks, and you could smoke in them!). As we graduated from high school, a few went out of state to college, but most of us stayed. I did, too, for a couple of years, until I left to join the Navy and see the world.
Having spent 20 years in the Navy, my circle changed frequently, through no fault of anyone. That was just the way it went when someone was always leaving and someone else was always coming. Some of my closest friends are people I met during those years. We don’t talk all the time. We don’t live near each other. We can go years without seeing each other, but when we do, it is as though we’ve never been apart. The coolest phenomenon about military friendships is that it doesn’t matter how long we’ve known each other, how far apart we are, or whether we talk or not; it only matters that we always have each other’s backs, that we are always friends. We reminisce about duty stations and the past, and we keep tabs on each other to know what changes are happening in the present. That camaraderie is what I miss the most about the Navy. Well, besides the travel and the guaranteed paycheck – those were pretty sweet too!
Tammy is one of the first friends I made in my first duty station. We bonded on smoke breaks and forged a lifelong friendship. On the rare occasions that we see each other, we revert back to our mid-20s, but at least we don’t smoke anymore. I can’t wait to someday meet her fiancé, but I have to wonder if he can handle the two of us together.
One of my closest Navy friends lives out west, so I don’t see him or talk to him as much as I would like, but when Grubby and I, along with John and Derrick, flew to Seattle for a cruise, Pep met us at Baggage Claim and spent the weekend meeting my new friends and telling stories about our escapades in Naples! He opened his heart to Grubby and to John and Derrick, and we all just kind of fell into place. New friendships were formed, all because of this one connection.
I have one Navy friend that I’ve known since St. Patrick’s Day, 1997 – George. George and I text occasionally, but only talk when one of us is driving a long distance (you know, captive audience and all!). In the 2000s, George got stationed about 30 minutes from me, and moved his family down to the southeastern coast of the US. We went to each other’s respective retirement ceremonies, and we’ve always made time to catch up. We have a habit of meeting up in the most random of places, usually completely unaware that the other is there! Once I was driving from Virginia back to Georgia in my bright yellow Jeep. George was driving from Florida to New Jersey in his red sedan. I was stuck in traffic on I95 south in South Carolina, crawling along at a rate of about five miles per hour. George was stuck in traffic on I95 north in South Carolina, also doing the slow crawl. We were talking on the phone and giving each other updates as to our locations. As we crawled past each other, we waved to the other!!! I am sure the people around us thought we were nuts, but hey! It’s what we did. Several years ago, George was visiting a friend less than an hour from me. As he was preparing to leave, he texted me, and we ended up meeting for a coffee at the Pilot here in town! Last summer, I was visiting my parents, and I got a random text from George of a picture of the Mississippi River, taken from Downtown Memphis, that said, “I’m in your old stomping grounds!” I sent back a picture of the lake, and said, “Hey! Guess what! I am too!” We met up the next day for lunch at the best barbecue place in the world! Then, in December, Abby and I were on the cruise over Christmas and we ported in San Juan on December 26th. George and his wife had just gotten off their cruise that morning in San Juan and had a whole day to kill before catching their flight home. As Abby and I walked off the pier, George and his wife were there to meet us. I mean, hey! It’s what we do!
My friend Nicole is the same way. She will let me know when she is going to be anywhere near my neck of the woods, and she always makes time to see me when she is. She and her husband even flew across the country to join us on our wedding cruise! One of these days, I will have to take Abby out to Southern California and introduce them. Oh, and the stories we could tell… good times, lots of laughter, and Wii bowling on Sunday afternoons!
And then there are the new friends – the ones I’ve met since becoming a civilian and moving to Virginia. I had what I thought was a pretty tight-knit core group until Grubby died, as well as a handful of others, including my resident orchid expert and BFF, John. They say when someone dies that after the initial weeks, 99% of your people will move on with their lives and stop being as present. My core group has all but disappeared, but those 1% who have remained are golden to me. Many of his friends reach out more often than those I thought were so close to me. It hurt in the beginning, but I’ve learned to focus not on the ones who came and went, but on the ones who came and stayed: my 1%. Those are the golden ones – them, and those Navy buddies from all those years ago. Those are the ones who have seen me at my best and at my worst, who have held me when I’ve cried, and who have always been there. They are the ones who shine the brightest.
I understand the sentiment behind that old song I remember, but I don’t think that the length of time someone has been in your life makes them golden. I think it’s the connection between us. It’s those who see our individual oddities and who love us anyway. To each of my friends, old and new, you are the light that has shined and kept me going through some of my darkest days, and I love y’all more than my shoes!
Sweet!