Dipping A Toe in the Water and Getting A Recharge

I took a break last week for several days.  I went to St. Augustine.  Originally, the purpose was to attend a funeral service for someone from Naples AA, but I reached out to a dear friend and ended up spending the weekend down there.  I am so glad that I did, even though there was a bit of resistance from a few when I first mentioned it, and then, last Tuesday night, Abby told me she was afraid something terrible was going to happen and that I was going to die.  How does a widowed, single mother raising a teenager address these things and still be able to be a woman and to just be herself once in a while?

When I first mentioned I was going to Florida and my friend was going to spend the weekend with me, I got some pushback about it because my friend is male.  I spoke with another single mom about it and she told me not to worry what other people thought, that I am not moving on from Grubby’s death – I am moving forward.  She also told me that had she not taken times for herself while raising her own daughter, it would have been bad for both of them, and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for needing time away occasionally. 

As I prepared to go last Tuesday night, Abby started telling me that she was afraid that I was going to die while I was gone.  We discussed why she had that fear – she knew where it came from – she lost her mother, and then lost her father.  She did not want to lose her other parent.  I stressed to her that if she wanted me to stay home and not go, I would.  We talked about her feelings and her fears.  She wasn’t afraid of me trying to replace her because Abby knows that she comes first.  I asked if she was afraid that I was trying to replace Grubby, and she knows that no one will ever replace him.  She told me that she didn’t want me to stay home, that she wanted me to go and have some fun.  I promised to call every night, and she knew she could call me any time. 

I am sure that some think that I am trying to replace Grubby, but the truth is that he will never be replaced.  He is irreplaceable.  This month marks 18 months since that terrible day, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him.  But I am only 51, and I probably have a good 25-30 years left on this earth.  I don’t want to spend it wearing a black lace mantilla and hanging crepe like a Sicilian grandmother.  I want to experience fun, laughter, maybe even a little romance.  I know that I am in no way ready to completely give in to the idea of a permanent relationship with anyone, but I am okay with dipping my toe into the water for a temperature check. 

Some who have lost their spouses are triggered by the statement, “Life goes on.”  This does not bother me when I hear this.  It’s the truth.  Life does go on, even for us.  It is different of course, but we are still here.  It isn’t the life we chose, but it’s the life that chose us for whatever reason.  I loved my husband deeply.  I loved being married to him.  Anyone who knew the two of us as a couple could see and feel the love we shared.  We were best friends.  I have been robbed of that life, but to say that I can’t go on sounds as though I would never want that kind of love in my life again and that’s not true.  I believe it’s a testament to the love that we shared when we think about wanting that love again.  No one will ever replace my husband, but I would like to believe that maybe someday, someone will walk into my life and fall into place beside me, someone who can respect my grief and who will honor my husband alongside me. 

Life is short, and it isn’t guaranteed, so I choose to enjoy my time here as best as I can, dip a toe into the water, and take care of Abby and myself.  If I have the opportunity to have companionship, I will take that opportunity if the water temperature is right.  For now, I will enjoy those rare times with a special friend, one who cared for Grubby, who respected him and honors him because those times are rare, and they are exactly what I can handle right now.  In the end, I came back recharged, that friend will always be my friend, and for that, I am very grateful.