Finally Beginning to Live Again in Year Four

I saw a question about grieving the death of a spouse, and when it would get better, in a group I am part of online. The original poster was in her second year, and she said she felt like it was worse than the first. Unfortunately, I’ve found that for a lot of us, this is the case.

During the first year, our friends and family were always reaching out, always there for the important days so we didn’t have to face them alone. They checked on us all the time, and they shared their stories and memories of Grubby with us.

Year two was way harder for me than the first year. It seemed like the world went on, and I was seeing that for the first time. The second year, friends had moved on, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Meanwhile, I was still figuring out how to do all of those without my husband.

Finally, during year three, I began advocating for better Mental Health Awareness among our First Responders, and sharing our story in the hopes that it will save one wife, one family, one department from going through what we have gone through. That helps immensely, and I continue to do it as much as possible.

I am ten months into year four, and over the past six months or so, I have finally felt like I am really okay. I am finally beginning to feel like I am living again, instead of just surviving. I finally feel at peace with the loss, and while I still grieve, I’ve learned to welcome grief when she visits. I know that grief is just love with nowhere else to go.

For now, though, I am going to go explore the ship, since grief and I are getting ready to sail away to warmer weather again for a few days.