Independence as a Life Saver

Several years back, I was involved in a conversation with friends about who in our respective relationships would be okay if the other person died.  I listened to all of them talk about how they would be the ones to fall apart, they would not be able to make it without their husbands, and that their husbands would be fine if something happened to them.  When it came to my turn, I said that I would be fine, but that Grubby would not be able to survive without me.

See, here’s the thing…  I had a life before Grubby.  We were almost forty when we met and became friends, but it was still a couple of years before we became a couple.  Even then, we kept our finances separate.  We had different interests.  He liked golf, and I liked working out at the gym.  He preferred to be a homebody, and I liked to explore.  I spent time away from him, traveling to visit my family or on a weekend trip with the girls.  When he worked night shift, it didn’t bother me like it bothers other wives.  I finally had sole possession of the remote control, and I enjoyed those nights alone. 

Don’t get me wrong.  Grubby was the love of my life, and he always will be.  However, the fact that we had not been together since high school has probably been something that has made me able to survive the past year.  I had my own career, my own life, and my own money before we met and eventually married, and we kept it that way even afterwards.  I was already independent, and that independence has probably saved me from going completely insane without him. 

I’ve realized that my parents were pretty smart when they told me all those years ago to always have something of my own to fall back on.  Now, anyone who knows Mom and Dad knows that they have been married for over fifty years, and that they absolutely adore each other.  But they also have their own friends, their own interests.  They each had their own careers.  Mom traveled as a nurse a few times while Dad stayed home.  Dad traveled with the bands that he directed and played in while Mom stayed home. 

Ten years with my love was never enough, and I will miss him for the rest of my life, but I know that I will be okay, that gradually, I am adapting to life without him beside me.  I can adapt because I know what life without him was like.  He made my life amazing, but it wasn’t so terrible before he was in it.  I’d bought a home, had friends around the world, traveled extensively, and lived a life of my own.  Now, I have to live a life of my own, with Grubby as a part of me that will always be there. 

I never wanted to life this life alone again, but I know that I am never really alone.  I have Abby now, who is the very best of her father, and I have my friends and family, and most importantly, my independence.  I have the know-how to build a new life…  I’ve had to do it many times before.  I am grateful for that, and grateful that I ran from codependent relationships in the past.  I would be lost these days if I hadn’t.  The love that we shared will carry me through time, but the life that I had before will also carry me through time.