It Wasn’t Him, But Try Telling That to My Heart

I saw my husband last week.  Okay, it wasn’t really my husband, but wow!  My breath caught in my throat for a minute.  It’s amazing how one little thing can stop me dead in my tracks. 

My parents were here last week.  They came to be with me as I crossed the first observance of Grubby’s suicide.  Thank goodness they were here.  I needed them more than they, or I, knew.  I didn’t need them to do anything, but just having them here was comfort. 

We went to dinner one night at our favorite Mexican place.  It was slammed!  But I was able to park right in front (SCORE!), and as I pulled the Jeep into the space, I saw a man sitting inside at a table.  Nothing special, nothing I haven’t seen nearly every time I’ve parked anywhere since Grubby died.  But this – this was different.  This man was bald and had his sunglasses (Oakley’s, I’m sure) up on his head, just as Grubby used to do.  I stopped for a moment and stared as I tried to catch my breath and maintain my composure. 

Of course, it wasn’t Grubby.  My mind knew that, but my heart – oh, it wanted it to be him.  If that man in that restaurant only knew what seeing him meant to me that night. 

I’ve seen Grubby in Abby’s smile, in his father’s walk, and in the way his brother looked sitting on the mower mowing my lawn shortly after Grubby died.  This is the first time that I’ve seen him in a complete stranger.  For a moment, it felt good.  Then, reality set in.  It felt sad and ridiculous all at once. 

I haven’t seen his patrol car since his service.  I look every time I see one on the road, but the plate is never the same.  I’m not entirely sure how I would handle it if I did see it, so I guess maybe he is protecting me to keep me from wrecking the Beamer. 

We had a Mardi Gras gathering Saturday night, and it was so different from the gatherings held last year on that same weekend.  This time, there were smiles and stories.  There was laughter, especially when my dad got the baby in the King Cake!  Although our life looks different than what we thought it would be, it just proves that we are still keeping on keeping on, and that nothing would make Grubby happier.