When Grubby died, I requested that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to BlueHelp.org. Several people have asked me how their donations have impacted our lives, so I thought I would share this here as well.
Nine months ago, life as I knew it changed. My husband, CPL Robert Wayne “Grubby” Grubbs, Pittsylvania County (VA) Sheriff’s Office, #122, took his own life, due to the stresses he encountered at work as a law enforcement officer. Suddenly, I was faced with making decisions about a funeral that I never wanted to plan. I knew that I wanted, that I needed, to make something good come out of his death. I knew that I didn’t want a house full of flowers and plants to take care of, so that very night, I started searching for organizations that address law enforcement suicides. I found Blue H.E.L.P. I created a placeholder on the Honor Wall by submitting our information.
A few days later, I received a box in the mail. When I opened it, I found a care package for us from Blue H.E.L.P. which contained a pamphlet and a postcard inviting me to the “Families Only” group on Facebook. I joined immediately. I began interacting with other families who had lost their law enforcement officer to suicide. Seven weeks after my husband died, I logged in to my first Zoom meeting for family members. I was the new kid on the block. There were spouses, parents, and siblings from all over the country on that first call. These were people just like me, people who had lost a hero to suicide. They understood the sadness, fear, and the anger that I was feeling as I was learning to navigate a life without my partner. They welcomed me with open hearts.
I became a regular attendee at these biweekly Zoom meetings, and I began to look forward to them. The people that I was meeting and interacting with gave me hope that I would someday find a smile and some joy in my new life. We always ended the meeting with a good memory or story of our loved one, and I always felt better after the meetings.
I learned about the Blue H.E.L.P. Family Weekend and immediately signed my daughter and myself up to attend. I had no idea what to expect, but knew that I needed to see for myself, and I knew that Abby needed to know that she was not alone. Abby had lost both of her biological parents. Since we live in a rural area, everyone knew what happened to her father. When one of her friends from school said that her mother wanted to know where Abby lived, I knew that there were people in the community who would isolate from us. It was important to me that Abby know that she did not need to feel shame about her father’s death, but instead to feel pride about his life.
Finally, September came around and Abby and I flew to Dallas for the Family Weekend. It was such a cathartic experience to be with people who knew me, who knew my struggles, and who shared my grief. I remember meeting those who I had been on Zoom meetings with over the past few months, and just feeling such lightness at being able to connect in person. It was a time to honor our loved ones, to ask for help and guidance with legal, financial, and psychological issues that had arisen as a result of our loss, and a time to heal. Abby and I both left feeling hopeful for our future.
Blue H.E.L.P. paid for our weekend, our hotel, food, and entertainment. We opted to purchase our own flights, but Blue H.E.L.P. would have done so if we had needed it. I felt that there were others who needed it more. When we arrived home, I received another package, this one containing my Honor Blanket with my husband’s name and End of Watch stitched on it. Abby sleeps under the blanket in memory of her father, her hero. I still attend our Zoom meetings regularly, and I look forward to participating in future Blue H.E.L.P. events.
We are slowly healing, beginning to tell our story to others. I am planning to continue sharing our story in the hopes that we can raise awareness about law enforcement suicide and mental health. My husband knew how to get help for anyone he dealt with in the field, but he didn’t feel safe enough to get it for himself. Only by talking about it can we break down the stigma and allow our heroes to be the human beings that they are and to get the help that they need.
Our lives are better than they were eight months ago, but still not where we want them to be, but one thing I know for certain is that none of this would have been possible without having Blue H.E.L.P. in our lives.
Thanks to Blue H.E.L.P.