Gosh, how has it been so long since I’ve sat down to write?! Where have the last three months gone? This has been an insane Spring and Summer season with graduation, travel, and all the normal things. So, let’s see if I can get this blog caught back up and get back into my groove. The last thing I want to do is make it sound like one of those Christmas letters that people send every year, so hopefully, I can do it in such a way that I can do it justice.
Spring came in here like a freight train! Time has been flying and it seems to get faster and faster with each passing milestone. We spent a good portion of the month of May taking care of college staff and preparing for Abby’s Graduation Party!
How is it that this child who came into my life like a wrecking ball – literally… she was a hot mess, especially for someone who was used to living alone – fourteen years ago graduated from high school this year? And, how is it that I’ve managed to keep her alive for the past five years since losing Grubby and getting through the teenage years?! That, in itself, is a result of some divine providence because she has driven me nuts at times.
Over the past couple of months, she’s had some big feelings and some of her behaviors in response to those feelings have not been good. There was an instance where she slammed one door into another so hard that she put a hole in the door. I was fit to be tied, and absolutely ready to start throwing everything out into the yard.
Fortunately, I had the good sense to call Steve and pose to him the following hypothetical question, “What would you do if Connor reacted so badly to something that he caused damage to your house?”
Steve, being in a much better position to calmly come up with an answer, responded, “Nothing,” and when I pushed him on that, he said, “It doesn’t matter what I would do if one of my kids did something like that, because they are not Abby. What you are going to do is do nothing. You are going to stop and remember that that child has been through more trauma than any child should ever have to go through, and you will do nothing to punish her. You will not throw her out because you are the only safe and stable thing she has had in her entire life, and she needs you.”
Of course, I was still angry, but he was right, and I ended up letting it go… for the most part. I did make her pay to fix the door, and while she didn’t help do it, she has a reminder every time she opens it to go downstairs now.
Of course, it doesn’t help that I’ve had big feelings too. I’m so proud of her and all that she has accomplished so far, and I am just as heartbroken that her dad wasn’t here to see it. I spent tons of effort and money to make sure that her graduation was perfect, and yet, the one thing that would have made it so, I couldn’t do, and that has made me feel like a bad parent at times. I know I’m not, and I know that she doesn’t think of me as a bad parent, but as is often the case with single parent homes, we seem to go overboard to try to make up for the parent who isn’t there.
I was angry with Grubby for not being here—for not helping me get the yard ready around the pool before the party, for not standing beside me at graduation, for not walking college campuses with us, for not taking a turn driving.
I cussed him six ways to Sunday more than I’d like to admit.
But damn…
It just wasn’t fair.
Some days, I really hate being a widow.
Abby and I have been able to have some good talks though about what the future holds, for her and for me, and we’ve sat and cried together about Grubby and about my dad, and I think we are going to make it okay. I know that as much as she gets under my skin, I am going to miss her when she’s gone… even if it is easier to keep the house clean.
She is off to ETSU (East Tennessee State University, for anyone who doesn’t know), where she is planning to do something in Biology, be a member of the Marching Bucs, and show up on Uncle Steve’s doorstep whenever she is hungry. She won’t be too far from me, and I am more at ease knowing that she will have family right there in case something happens and I can’t get there right away.
Where has the time gone indeed…?
