Preface Warning: This blog entry may be difficult for some to read. It’s okay, I understand. It isn’t the easiest to write. If you have stress and anxiety triggered by talk of suicide, stop here.
I wrote this two years ago, on June 29, when I learned that a dear friend of mine had taken her own life. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I remember crying on Grubby’s shoulder off and on for a couple of days. Little did I know that just eight months later he would join her… But today, it isn’t about him.
Hi family, my name is Jeanne and I’m an alcoholic…
Today, I got a phone call that I never want to get. A former sponsee, someone who I’d worked with for years, couldn’t or wouldn’t get it. Today, the world lost a person who was so very like the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde persona described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. See, when she was sober, she was funny, and sweet, and charming, and caring… she could light up a room when she walked in. But, when she wasn’t, she was abusive, and angry, and sad, and selfish… she was the person who made you run for the hills when she wasn’t sober. I’ve seen her when she’s been sober and working the steps, and I’ve seen her in the hospital with a .301 BAC, stinking and slurring. I moved away 8 years ago, and she went on to a new sponsor, went off the deep end, went to rehab, sobered up, saved her marriage, seemed to be doing well, and then…
She drank, and she kept drinking, and she started abusing pain pills, and her husband had enough, her kids had enough, and she lost her marriage, lost her job, lost her home, and then…
She moved to her hometown, and she got sober, and she bought her own house, and she had her little dog, and then…
She got drunk, and she started on the pain meds again, and she kept doing it – that cycle of getting sober and everything starting to look up again followed by a period of drinking and pills, and then…
She decided she had had enough. She took her own life this past weekend. She swallowed enough pills to kill herself, she left notes, and she left this earth…
I am saddened beyond measure at the loss of my friend, but I am grateful for the reminder that she’s given me. Today, I’m one day closer to my next chip, one day farther from my last drink, and I’m going to stay that way tonight because I don’t ever want to be at that place again…
Rest easy, my friend. You finally slayed your demons. I just wish you had done it the easier, softer way – the way you could still be with us on earth. I know I couldn’t have saved you, but I would have thrown you a lifeline…
Maybe someone will read this and think twice before picking up a drink or before choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hope so.
Thank you, my friend, for my reminder…
I love you, LVS! October 19, 1966 – June 29, 2020
Please reach out if you are struggling. YOU matter! We have a long way to go before mental health, suicide, and addiction are all prioritized like cancer or heart disease, but if we keep the conversation going, we will someday get there. Someday, everyone will feel safe when needing and asking for help.
So sad.